Lost

Today I've made sure I have everything read for class in the upcoming week. I sat down and wrote my best friend who moved to Illinois pretty suddenly after she had an accident last winter. I've not been very faithful about writing, I suppose since it hurts so badly to be here without her, most likely one of my only true friends. I've been pretty vehement about not missing her but I'm lying to myself. I miss her so bad that it burns. I feel lost in the chaos that is every day. This hurts worse than all of the times I've ended any relationship, from walking away from friends who I discover are just asses, to all of my three divorces. The worst part, I've denied it for so long and she is not doing very well. She has been so sick and she is older. I feel like an insipid idiot for having pushed her further away, but now I do have a taste of what she probably felt when John and I moved off to where he was teaching. She has been a mother to a girl who never had one really. I feel like my heart is on a delay and now I get to feel the pain from having essentially lost the only person I've called friend besides my current husband.