Ryan comes out of the hospital today, to go to a long term treatment facility. I finally went to the doctor and found out I have acquired a healthy case of pneumonia. What a month.

Today

Today Michael scored the only two goals his team has made the entire soccer season. Ryan called me last night and sounded sad and said he was sorry for not calling the day before. I wonder if the hospital staff may have said something to him about not calling me. I'm not sure he would apologize on his own. Michael and I rented three movies last night and made chili fries for dinner. I feel like I might be kind of copping out on the poor little guy. My husband's  brother and wife came up tonight bearing a pork tenderloin, fresh green beans and a sunny little girl who was all smiles and kisses, until she got sleepy. I had hope it would cheer me up. It did a little, then Michael and I vegged in front of the screen of pretty lights and colors long enough to watch "Outsourced" and then we delved into the achingly sad "Time Travelers Wife". I read the book a few years ago and was touched by it. The movie almost went along with the book wonderfully. John didn't call me tonight and I'm already somewhat weepy, so it is likely for the best. Even the cats are kind of steering clear of me. Right up till I typed that, then Shiloh meowed at me and rubbed up on the chair. What a sweetie. Michael was being really sweet today too. We took Sookie to the soccer game and she puked on Michael about two miles away from the house. Fortunately it was on the way back home. Michael was pretty grossed out. This would be the second time the poor little puppy has vomited on him. The first time was about three minutes after we bought her. She gets car sick. She is full grown but still a pup. Pretty cute little monster, she is a Yorkie and Maltese mix. I got her on Father's Day for John but she has kind of taken up with me since I'm always here.

Yoyo Hunt...

Michael wants a new yo yo. He wants one of those really expensive ones. One ranging around $110 to $148. Wow! I look like a bank to you kiddo? The one he's getting is the Northstar. It only (oh my!) costs $34, plus shipping and handling. I told him it might be a few weeks. I just bought him three totaling 34 dollars. Still have not heard from Ryan. Michael has been doing yo yo tricks all day with the help of the Yomega team, nice and succinctly wrapped onto a DVD.

How lovely...

Michael lost his soccer game tonight, keeping the record for most games lost in a season; all of them. Ryan declined calling me from the hospital, saying that he was going to just wait for someone to call for him. I've decided to call and check up on him without letting him know I'm calling. He waited the last placement out, till they had to send him home. I was heartbroken last time that he didn't even want to call me. I'm starting to think perhaps my baby boy is a spoiled brat who meaningfully hurts others, me at the top of the list. How is it possible to have two children so impossibly different? Blech!

In a perfect world...

Children would realize how much we love them and not go out of their way in attempts to hurt us. Ryan was admitted into a local acute crisis center last night. He was very excited about going. All of his stuff that he was allowed to take was packed yesterday morning. He was still being very defiant and would  not respond to John nor I. He seems rather contented with himself. His last hospitalization, I gain eight of my lost pounds back. This time I am determined to feel less of the guilt I did the last time. When Ryan came home from the hospital the last time, Michael, my twelve year old son, John, my husband, and I all tried everything we could to revise how our household runs in order to accommodate him. I have a tendency to be a bit more on the permissive side when John is on the road, mainly because John is my rock, my stabilizer. I am somewhat more distracted when he is gone because I focus more on my artwork. Thing is, when the children get home from school, I am all theirs. We always have dinner together, at the table. I sit down and help with homework. I have some of their friends over on the weekends. I try to be as patient as possible. Even when Ryan physically attacked me the other night at the soccer field, at Michael's practice, after I'd let him go to his practice in order to "run off some energy",  I tried to keep it all in perspective. I did mess up. I kind of have this odd tick. When I get real nervous or really embarrassed, I started laughing. He had been screaming about how much he hates me for the last twenty minutes. How mean I was and how I wouldn't help him. The messed up part was that I was actually trying to help him.We all know that unless one is willing to help themselves, all the 'help' in the world will do no good. He ended up charging at me and one of the ladies at the practice called John while I restrained Ryan in the parking lot. He was relatively calm by the time his Dad got there and was trying to tell me he was sorry, so I sat in the back seat of the car and talked over what had happened. The real issue is this: Ryan had skipped homework. The teacher sent all that work and it was left for John and I to get him through it. John helped him until soccer practice. I took him to soccer, with the understanding that at Michael's practice, he would finish the assignment. When we got to Michael's practice, Ryan informed me that he would like to take a zero on the assignment and go play on the school playground. I told him that he could play on the playground AFTER he finished the math worksheet. That is when he started escalating. We typically call it "melting down". What Ryan had done was basically throw a super-sized temper tantrum. His I.Q. is 147. He is a smart little guy. He just seems to not care who he mows over on his path of self destruction.

A testament of surviving...

I woke up this morning with the realization that, while I would rather paint for a little while, I had other, more pressing items on the agenda. I'll write about Ryan, my ten year old son. He is the reason for my delay today. He is at home with me this morning, walking around now, sulking, mourning what he could have done differently yesterday. Yesterday he assaulted a police officer, was arrested and given a court date. He has bi-polar disorder and is a live wire. There are other diagnoses as well, but he thinks that bi-polar disorder is the one that controls him, much to my chagrin. I'm not really certain where to go with all of this. I'm hoping perhaps some wondrous and magical solution will pop up, but it has not so far. Today Ryan will likely be institutionalized and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I feel guilt in the admission that I'm somewhat relieved. He threatens me and his brother, who is eleven, almost twelve. I feel rather helpless. I have played by all the rules and this is admittedly my worst nightmare. His doctor told us spanking is not a solution, and we have complied, but when you have a ten year old with a known I.Q. of 147 who thinks he is 'superior' in every way, things get a bit hairy. I realized day before yesterday that the paddle did prevent one thing. The constant whining sound that he has emitted since the last time he left the hospital. Hopefully things will clear up soon and my house will transform back into the harmonious home I once knew it to be.