Intentions...

          A little bit of rearranging and a whole lot of updating for today. College is still going, though in a completely different direction than I could have ever anticipated. Ryan is still raising hell. Add in the conundrum that my other son, in the absence of his little hell raising brother has become sulky and moody. Ah, fifteen year old boys. Such a joy. I still adore both of them but I'm not going to lie. In light of an upcoming court date for Ryan, and him still not improving in the least, I'm feeling a touch hopeless. He is still in a treatment facility and I have no idea what is left for us to do. He decided to try to play the blame game. Blame real dad who has not been a part of his life in... oh. Ever. Blame John, but that one was not going to fly, even IF John and I are no longer together. A person just cannot go along through life blaming the world for their troubled mind. He needs to realize that, hard as it is to believe, he is his own problem and everyone wants him to succeed but he HAS to make a concerted effort.

         I ran into a guy in the hall today in school. The poor dear, he is always kind of gently moping around and as you can imagine, he is, naturally, not to blame for the way his life is going. I'm certain he felt as if I was accosting him as I informed him that this is his life, he needs to take ownership.

         This pep talk, if one could call it that, since I can always HOPE it would do some good, but seriously doubt it, was brought on by my own experience this week with two of my professors. I'm sure that it is shocking to discover that, somehow, an older (37 now) woman who speaks their mind and doesn't really feel the need to take any crap from anyone, even if they are my professor, might not be well received in a collegiate environment. I know. Say it isn't so. Oh yeah, so my drawing professor and I kind of exchanged words yesterday. By kind of, I mean, I was absolutely furious.  I am rather anti-confrontational, but don't let that fool you. I face my world head on, even if there are times I'd just rather go lie down and sleep it all away. He gave me a hug, and it was over. I hope, at least.

          Attending college for me has been rather tedious at times. I always try to make other people laugh and smile, even if I'm not really in the mood to laugh and smile myself. There are exceptions. Usually if I'm working in the ceramic lab, I'm not always all the way there. One of my fellow students told a couple of people I associate with on occasion that I am a 'complete and total bitch'. They went on to inform me that of course, that is just Angelia, everyone knows that. I have to wonder though, am I? I've never went out of my way to be hurtful. I am an outspoken person. I once was very shy, very quiet. My best friends were always the talkers, the boisterous ones. I shied away from people and kept to myself. It only took one marriage to fall apart for me to realize that I didn't want to forever be the side kick. I decided that I was not getting anywhere being 'that girl'. I wanted to live my life to the fullest. I do. Perhaps that grabs some the wrong way. I felt a bit of anguish at one point during all of this exchange. Who are these people, that actually really have no idea who I am, only what they see in school? They do not get to be a real part of my life. They never see who I actually am. They know very little of my past, how I've gotten to where I am now, what I've had to experience to get here. My first thought was to cease smiling for them. They do not deserve my time and attention. 
        In the end I decided against that plan of action. I do not want to become hardened or jaded. I like making people laugh. I like who I am. I've earned the privilege of being me.  

They can all just kindly bugger off. 


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